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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What if we are afraid to see?

"If yoga helps us to remember who we are, what happens if we are afraid to see?" One boy asked today at the beginning of the class. With 17 pairs of eyes boring holes in me looking for the answer to the question, that they all have wondered, but were afraid to ask-- I paused.......because there is a time maybe once a day that I ask that same question. Is the fear keeping me from truly opening up my heart to the illumination of my soul? The love of yoga is keeping me coming back to the mat, like a drug I can't stay away from the feeling of completeness yoga has shown me. I spoke of how your yoga mat, is like a mirror to your heart--you can't lie or see what you want to or make excuses while you are on the mat--how you are on the mat is how you live your life. The same boy said, "Jen you've told us that already, like 100 times what if when I come to the mat, do the poses and feel nothing because I am afraid of what the ability to feel will do to me." I couldn't breathe, literally, the breath left my body and I wondered in that moment that felt like an hour if I was going to be able to continue these boys on their journey---my monkey mind full of doubt began to chatter me into a bad scene from an afterschool special where the girl is spinning and her mind is racing --and then thankfully, the body knows when you have stopped breathing and begins to breathe before you pass out-- I told my story to the boys of how yoga affected me, how there were times I was afraid, still am, how there are days when as I step on the mat, emotions well up inside me and all I can do is cry, how there are days when I feel like Wonder Woman because the poses just flow out of me, and I feel like I've gained ground on yoga and yes in the distant future there is a back bend waiting for me. How everyday I love that I can go to the mat, and have these feelings and feel ok about them because they are mine and the responsiblity of that makes me proud of stepping off the ledge and allowing my heart to feel and my body to sparkle and my breath to be the guide along this crazy journey that we call yoga. There was a moment of pause in the boys, I wondered if I had stepped into a big pile of emotional shit that was going to change our yoga practice and make them feel like I was the "preachy" yoga lady. But it didn't, and we began, maybe just knowing we are all in this together allows the feelings to come out from behind the curtain that we have shut on our hearts. We all come to yoga to align with our goodness, we all want to feel good and feel love--not the soap opera love of another, but the true, self confident love of ourselves that no one can take away. The love that allows us to open up enough to be loved by others and stop searching for anything to take away the pain. No words were spoke during class, we just did Yoga and that was enough to remind everyone that-- Practice over a long period of time with devotion will make a difference. After Savasana, we sat in silence breathing together and sharing our hearts in a bond that felt so unbreakable.

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