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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I'm Not Opening-- Fuck Her

I'm not Opening--Fuck Her
T- Juvenile Detention Inmate

Open she said,
To something bigger--
Open she said
Find the beauty of your heart!

Open she said
Know that you are worthy of greatness
Open she said
You are born of perfection

She doesn't know me,
Fuck Her
I'm not perfect,
I'm here--

Closed I looked at her
Closed I looked through her
Closed I hate her-- Fuck Her

Open she kept saying,
Open and feel the difference

Closed I yelled in my mind
Closed is where I belong
Closed is comfortable
Fuck You

Open and feel your breath
Open and feel your body respond

Closed I felt my breath
Closed my body needs to remain closed

Closed is safe, protected
Open to the breath,
What if she sees my heart--
I feel her look into me

When she brings in her mats
I'm safe
Fuck Her
When she says, take a nice seat--
I soften
Fuck Her
When she says, Good Evening Beauties
I know that she is here for me
Fuck her

I start to breathe,
and I Open
I start to move
and I Open
I feel the mat under my feet
and I feel safe

The yoga she brings
Every week,
maybe she's right,
After 49 weeks,
After many poses
After many "Open your heart" lectures
I think maybe I've opened
And all that's left is me
And the mat feels safe,
And the words feel safe,
And because of that
My heart feels safe.
I open
I'm scared
Fuck her
For brining on the feeling
My hands meet at my heart-
Anjay Mudva
I feel my heart against my thumbs
It beats
Fuck her
I don't want to feel,
What is happening
Why does she keep coming
Fuck Her

Fuck her
She's right
I don't have to put my heart in prison with me
I am worthy
I know I'm safe on my mat
I've opened
I've opened
I've opened


Terri said...

that is very powerful Jen, I can relate to that in myself with a smile on the outside....I noticed while reading it how contracting that word is stings! I saw the title to your blog on google "dashboard" and instantly felt the tightness, and found myself using Karen's assignment of open 20 times a day right then...set my feet and read the rest.....yep....I would have to say I understand.....and not that I can relate to being in jail physically....but you don't have to be in jail to put yourself there everyday....I was a master at it myself! Tell her thank you for me if you don't mind. I needed that reminder!

Terri said...

oops....tell him thank you....not her.....couldn't really tell if it was a male or female perspective because i related to it as the tomboy that I am. You do amazing work Jen. I'm so glad they have you!

mandy eubanks said...

Holy shit! That was amazing! Thank you so much for sharing.